Mr. Moon's Review of Feast of Obilvion

Feast of Oblivion is a fantastically strange novel from Josh Myers, which is easily one of the oddest things I've read in the past three years. The story begins with flat-fish conspiracy theorist Peter (Yeah, its Peter fricking Weller, BTW) is on his way to the a book signing in the desolate town of Demolition, New Jersey. Peter's journey to Demolition is lined with oddness and sexuality which hints at the coming events and sets a feeling the novel maintains as it expands and contracts like a shallow-breathing flat-fish.

Upon reaching Demolition Peter meets John (yeah, John fricking Lithgow BTW), the leader of a very strange doomsday cult with a very high opinion of Peter and his 'crackpot' theories. Peter is welcomed with open arms even as weirdness engulfs his entire world. As the cults true intentions come to light, with steady action, terror and an eerie sexuality Peter confronts his destiny as reality collapses upon him. As the story reaches its conclusion it strikes a balance between pop-culture carnival and surrealist nightmare as we learn the mysteries of the flat-fish.

And here is where my review would typically come to an end with my strong recommendation to purchase this book. However, I feel there is still more to address. In reading Feast of Oblivion I can easily say I felt more from the story than the words laid out through plot and arc. Something about Mr. Myers' writing instills deep emotions where you least expect it. To me the entire novel has a sense of beautiful despair, which intensifies to a palatable dread in the  scenes with the colossal woman with forever in her eyes. Reading Feast of Oblivion feels like mining an iceberg, the more you understand the more you need to know. As i finished reading yet another feeling struck me; that of the uncomfortable awkward triumph which comes from self-discovery in the fearless face of destiny. And through all the rants, giggles, pop-culture, and weirdness mythos... THAT is what I think this book is about.

Now, go forth and fear the flat-fish! BUY IT HERE.

Timothy W. Long's Alien Death Rays! and Other Unavoidable Hazards is LIVE!

BarnBurnerBooks is prouder than a puppy with two peters about Timothy W. Long's new collection of wild, freaky Sci-Fi- Alien Death Rays! and Other Unavoidable Hazards!

This book is seven examples of why I love Tim Long with yet another killer cover from the masterful Matt Edgington of Madoosk Design. I write stories to poke your eyes out to and he writes stories that vaporize your mind. Here is a quick contents listing for ya

The Book of Dan
A Shattered Sky
Anal Probes aren’t just for Breakfast Anymore
Last Rays Last Hope
Fast Food Farts
The Lonely Stars
Shit You Won’t See On Oprah (Special chapter from The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole!)

Get your copy here!

Mr. MoOn's Review of Dinner Bell for the Dream Worms

Dinner Bell for the Dream Worms
By Jason Wuchenich




Dinner Bell for the Dream Worms is a quick two novella collection from one of independent fiction’s most twisted talents. Composed of the most disgusting fairy tale I’ve ever read, Stinky Incubus, and the most sex-crazed apocalypse story I’ve ever read, Skank Clusters, Dinner Bell for the Dream Worms is the most fun I’ve had while fighting the urge to vomit. This is gross out fiction at its rude and comedic best.
Stinky Incubus is the tale of Lemmy, an incubus that can only achieve physical form with flatulence. The ranker the gas the longer he can remain visible. In order to get good and upset enough to materialize for longer lengths of time Lemmy maintains a diet sure to make your innards rumble. While on a quest for ingredients for his vomit-inducing buffets Lemmy happens across an old crone and her fair maiden daughter. Lemmy falls madly in love with the daughter and visits her in her torrid dreams. As difficult as an existence is for a demon that requires farts to materialize is, throwing love in the mix only ensures chaos will ensue when the talented hands of Wuchenich are pulling the strings. Each character in this twisted little story has their own quirks and kinks that you’ll have to read for yourself because me glaring over them does them no justice. This story deals with folk lore, crap, tiny minstrel groups, feces, deadbeat water djinns, poop, labia coats, dookie, dreams, defecation, and true love. Yes, that much excrement but if you possess the continence required you’ll walk away amazed at Wuchenich’s ability to tickle your funny bone, sour your stomach, and pull on your heartstrings all at the same time.
Skank Clusters takes us down a completely different strange highway. The story is about tiny sluts that grow in clusters on vines. They possess highly addictive qualities and soon people the world over are strung out on the delicious little tramps. We follow the team of Tuggy and Raster as the have an adventure on the brim of the apocalypse as the world is over ran with sex-crazed psychopaths. Quick humor slaps you around as the boys stumble upon a way to save humanity. A second smaller story intertwines within this one that has a darker tone and relates closer to a few Skank junkies. Again, Wuchenich provides characters rich in oddity and humor in a quick paced story.
All in all Dinner Bell for the Dream Worms is disgusting, vile, rude, hilarious and very well written. Easily one of the fun-est extreme fiction books I’ve read in recent years. Highly recommended for fans of Bizarro, comedy, and extreme fiction fans in need of giggle fits.

Get your giggle-gag on here.

Mr. Moon's Review of A Million Versions of Right

A Million Versions of Right
By Matthew Revert

A Million Versions of Right is a collection of absolute absurdity from Matthew Revert (pronounced Rev Air, and I only mention so you don’t sound like a fool when recommending this book to all your friends).

I confess right off the bat it has taken me far longer to write this review than it should have. Despite the fact A Million Versions of Right is one of the most entertaining works of literary mayhem I’ve EVER read. Despite the fact I’ve read it over and over in the few short months I’ve owned it. Despite the fact I can open it to any random page and I know I’ll laugh out loud. Despite the fact I’ve spent entire shifts at my day job praising it and spoiling every story for everyone within ear shot. Yeah, despite all of that I still have one hell of a time reviewing this wonderfully weird collection. I think the best way to achieve my goal of relaying my feelings for this amazingly bizarre bunch of stories is to take it one story at a time.

The title story A Million Versions of Right opens up the collection and gives you a fair idea of the madness you can expect. This is a wonderfully crafted story about ejaculating small mustachioed tillers and how to deal with such strange ejaculates. It is the classiest low brow humor has ever been, featuring more surprising (totally insane) moments and laugh out loud passages than almost any story I’ve read in the past five years. I first read this story in the amazing Purple Bizarro Starter kit and purchased A Million Versions of Right on the strength of this story alone. A seriously great piece of humorous fiction.

From there we go to a story called The Bricolage Scrotum. Every full blooded male will cringe starting with the first paragraph and then giggle through rest…while still cringing. This is the story of two brothers and the scrotums they pop. As well as a man that doesn’t like scrotums and their hideous appearance and an opposing group of pro-scrotum men hell bent on sharing some scrot-love. If you have a ball bag this story will make you truly appreciate it…all while cringing and laughing.
The Great Headphone Wank is the surprisingly heartfelt story about headphones that play the sounds of people masturbating through them. The main character works for a company where he yells at walls all day. This story is just as absurd and hilarious as the rest but it also has a bittersweet heart to it that tugs at your emotions through your tears of laughter.

The four part Meeting Max is a modern weird fiction masterpiece featuring a barber district, bald men in capes, PMS conspiracies, and sex so twisted Freud would climb out of his grave to talk moms with Mr. Revert. This story is the longest of the lot and therefore contains the most laughs. Insane, obscene, and terribly fantastic in every way.

Power Blink is a quick little story that crams a lot of ridiculousness into just a few pages. Imagine a blink so powerful it could make you soil yourself. If you can’t get the mental picture on your own worry not because Revert can do it for you and make you glad he did.

The Book Mark that Wouldn’t Work closes the collection with the absurd history of the book mark and a case of one that simply won’t work. Frustration has seldom been so funny.

If you couldn’t tell I adore this book. I would give it six stars out of five if I could. The stories are incredibly absurd and I maintain that in the hands of a less talented writer this collection would be a mess of confusing disturbing crap. Instead A Million Versions of Right is a shining star among the weird fiction world just waiting for you to swallow it whole. I seriously can’t recommend this hilariously brilliant collection enough. Fans of comedy and bizarro should own this collection and are only hurting themselves by not having it on their shelves.

Order your own copy here! Trust me you'll be glad you did.

Mr. Moon's Review of A Life On Fire

I gleefully spend most spare hours I can with my nose in a book. I have stacks of horror and bizarro novels that litter my house. Books that shock, books that scare, and books that make me laugh out loud. And now, it’s time for something different…Chris Bowsman’s A Life on Fire.

A Life on Fire is one man’s journey into the flaming hell of depression. Gerald McManner is a young man at the cross-roads of life. His young wife recently committed suicide, leaving Gerald a total mess with more questions than joys. His job is monotonous and grates on his nerves. He has built a wall around him casting friends out of his private hell. Gerald turns to beer as a means of dealing with his pain and feelings but soon he finds himself in a twisted reality that defies logic time and time again. As the story progresses reality falls away for poor Gerald until he is forced to face up to the pains of life and either give up or carry on.

Bowsman has crafted a very emotional story and peppered it with weirdness and heartache that never lets go. There are some of the things I love about horror (monsters and turmoil) and some of the things I love about bizarro (twisted realities and enduring weirdness) but this novel stands out on its relentless emotional power. This is not a ‘feel good’ read. In fact, several passages punched me right in the heart with the force of a mallet and seriously brought me down. THAT IS HOW POWERFUL IT IS. The scenes with his wife were unflinchingly real and heart breaking, giving deep depression center stage in a way that almost turns the pages for you. Once you start on A Life on Fire you have to see how it turns out despite the emotional toll it takes. Again, I feel this demonstrates the quality of the work.

A Life on Fire is one of the most powerful novellas I’ve read in the past few years. It takes a twisted and fearless look at human sadness and resilience in a way fans of horror and bizarro should eat right up. I highly recommend A Life on Fire if you are looking for a read that will push your emotional buttons and constantly leave you wondering what can possibly happen next. Be warned, dear reader, as this is a story that will stick with you…as most great works do.

Click here for your heartpunch!

Mr. Moon's Chatty Week and a Half

I have been fortunate enough as of late to speak with some very talented and very cool people about this horror and bizarro thing I love so much. I had an interview with Shells Walters (author of Dead Practices) go live on March 31, 2011. Then after talking with Mr. Eric Mays (author of NAKED METAMORPHOSIS) I'll be crashing The Authors Speak Series on 4/9/11 at 12 EST...that's right a Moon nooner.
And then, just when I was feeling like I couldn't possibly have anything else to pimp my interview with Monkey Faced Demon alumni David Agranoff (author of Hunting the Moon Tribe) went live last night!
I'm honored to be getting the chances to speak with peeps of such awesome attitude and talent so, pretty, pretty please swoop by all the links and read my witty words of wisdomish.

Also, Monkey Faced Demon interviews with Jordan Krall (Fistful of Feet, King Scratch, Squid Pulp Blues) and Patrick D'Oraiazo (Comes the Dark, Into the Dark, a million short stories) and more are in the works!
Thank you for swinging by and see ya next time!

Talkin' with Shells

Rappin' with David

Harassin' Eric

Mr. Moon Interviews David Agranoff

David Arganoff is a man of many hats. I have been lucky enough to ask him a few questions, however, I’m only going to be speaking to the David in the cool writer beanie and talking only about books and such. David is in fact so fascinating that he is the first fellow author I’ve interviewed that I will post a link to another interview at the end of this one so you can read more about this creative, dedicated force of nature. But for now…AWAKE Monkey Faced Demon!




Q. Let’s start at the beginning, what made you want to be a writer?

A. I have always loved the power of stories, and from a young age I wanted to make up my own Science Fiction. My first Sci-fi stories were composed before I could type. My mom and I read a series of Sci-fi Adventure novels by Issac Asimov called Lucky Starr. I begged her to get Lucky Starr and the Rings of Saturn, because the cover was cool. She read all seven books to me. I wanted to make up my own Lucky Starr stories but Mom suggested I create my own character. So I dictated my first story to her and she typed on her old Smith Corona typewriter.

When I got a little older I discovered horror. I remember being in 7th grade and reading Stephen King's The Stand, the scope of the story and the terror of it was very real to me. Then I read Clive Barker, John Carpenter movies, they stimulated my imagination, and there was nothing else I ever wanted to be.

The ability to create a story that entertains and stimulates the imagination is pretty much the coolest job I can think of. I have a learning disability, and early in my adult life I talked myself out of trying. My Grammar was (and is) pretty awful. But I dedicated myself to the task, when I was about 27 years old to follow my first dream.

Ray Bradbury is correct about writing when he says the first million words are terrible, No matter how much rejection I faced I kept plugging away until my ideas and execution got better. It was long learning process but now I believe I am writer I dreamed of being when I was in middle school.


Q. Your novel The Vegan Revolution with Zombies is not only a well written zombie novel but it features one of the most realistic reasons behind the rising dead. How long did it take from the spark of idea to holding a copy in your hands?

A. Of the six novels I have written, Vegan Rev is the only one that didn't marinate in my gray matter for years. For example I first had the idea for Hunting the Moon Tribe during the second year of Clinton being in office. I saw Interview with a Vampire in the theater and walked out thinking, I could do better than that. I worked on it as a screenplay for several years, developed notes, outlines and did tons of research on Chinese mythology. The writing of the novel only took three months, but the various drafts and formats have had 15 years of work.

As for Vegan Revolution...With Zombies. Carlton Mellick approached me about doing a vegan zombie novel, it took me a few weeks of brainstorming, I chased a few other stupid ideas before I thought of the one that worked. Once I had the story and the setting, the character who works at a “with zombie” publishing house, it all came together quick. Pitched it to the Eraserhead team in February, and two months later I was writing. That only took about a month, and we spent the summer, putting it together. Filmed the trailer in august. We had the big release at the Portland Vegfest in September and sold out of books in 2 hours. From idea to Vegfest was about nine months.

Can't thank the Eraserhead crew enough, they really believed in this book, and pushed me out of my comfort zone to do it. I have written comedy short stories, but I never thought about doing a whole novel of satire, but I have fun and I'll do it again for sure. I am very proud of the book.

(Interviewer note: The trailer for the Vegan Revolution...with Zombies is incredibly awesome and very worth watching)

Q. Do you remember your first published story?

A. My partner Cari and I Co-wrote a vampire story called Addiction, that is still on the internet in a webzine (along side A story written by a young Cameron Pierce). It is a bloated over written story that contains some interesting ideas. Cari is a great writer and she has a hand written half finished experimental novel about a feminist super hero called Shrink, that is simply amazing, I hope one day she will finish it. She also wrote a great story that is the very limited hard to find Vault of Punk horror Anthology.

In many ways my first serious published work was a a chapbook called “The Gutter Limits” of horror and bizarro flash fiction that I co wrote with four friends under the name Booger Murphy. There are only about 100 of those out in the world, it pretty good stuff. Both Cari and I have stories in that book, I have a story in that called “He Gets Around,” about a serial killer Yard Gnome. I love that story. In a lot of ways I consider that my first published work.



Q. Cannibals or zombies? Why?

A. Cannibalism is not very vegan friendly for sure, but to be honest cannibalism doesn't seem any different or worse to me as meat-eating in general. I am turned off by all flesh-eating Bud in Day of the Dead,Ronald MacDonald or Leatherface it is all the same to me.

Zombies at least have no control over it, they can't help it. So I suppose I'll go with zombies.


Q. I’m a studious interviewer and checked out your blog before diddling this string of randomness I call and interview together. I see you got THREE very different novels coming ready this year. The first being Hunting the Moon Tribe. Can you tell us about it and when it will be available?

A. Very Soon! When I was kid in Indiana we had a horror host Sammy Terry who showed Horror movies on Fridays at 11:30. After Sammy Terry they would show Black Belt theater, so Friday nights would often go from Hammer to Shaw brothers movies. I would tape them and watch them back to back on Saturday mornings. I grew up a fan of both genres. I love Wuxia Pan movies which are basically chinese kungfu fantasy and I wanted to do my own take with monsters and vampire hunters. Really make the vampires intense and scary.

Hunting the Moon Tribe is vampire novel, but also a lot more. It's a heroes journey novel influenced Chinese mythology, and Kung fu movies. I am very proud of it because it is pure storytelling, and I don't think it is like anything else out there.




Q. The second, the awesomely titled Goddamn Killing Machines, seems to have an Apocalypse Now feel. Was the movie an influence?

A. That film was based on Conrad's Heart of Darkness and of course they were both an influence, but I would say World War II men on a mission movies (The Dirty Dozen, and Force 10 / Guns of Navarone) were a bigger influence.

It is the story of a group of military contractors in the 22nd century wanted for war crimes who are given a mission to kill an unidentified target on a hostile moon. Basically the whole ecosystem is hostile to human life. The target is somewhere along a river 11 times the length of the amazon.

There is another huge influence on the novel, but I think it gives to much away about the last third of the book. This is the most hardcore, brutal novel I have written it gets pretty ugly towards the end.

Q. Who said, “Smokey, you are entering a world of pain?”

A. Jackie Gleason, the honeymooners dude. BTW I saw Smokey and the Bandit 3 in the theater. My family had a Smokey and the Bandit 8-track we listened to on road trips in our wood paneled station wagon. No joke. I am not as old as that makes me sound.

(Interviewer note: Oh, shit, did I just quote Smokey and the Bandit? I was thinking Walter Sobchek from The Big Lewbowski but if it was also spoken in a movie with Burt Reyolds and his gorgeous mustache then you, sir, earned ten bonus points.)

Q. Six horror movies for an all-night movie marathon?

A. in order: Prince of Darkness, Hellraiser, Devil's Backbone, Chinese Ghost story, Susperia, and The Beyond.


Q. Typically, I ask all my interviewees how far they would make it through Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. However the last vegan I interviewed, Jeremy C. Shipp, informed me chocolate held no sway of him and he alerted me to a race of plant based face painted midgets known as the Poompa Ploompas. So instead I ask you if you could get stuck inside any movie from your youth which would it be?

A. Chocolate and sweets have a sway over me, and for a vegan living in Portland is like living in Willie Wonkas. Read Stumptown vegans blog if you don't believe me.

To answer your question it would be Star Wars or Star Trek, I'm not sure I have what it takes to be a Jedi. In terms of Star Trek I would love to serve on the Enterprise. I would of course do everything I could to never beam down in a red shirt, that uniform would be in the laundry every time I pulled an away mission. I would also totally hang with Spock, Vegans should stick together.

I also would love to have been Indiana Jones when I was a kid and for the record I saw Raiders with my dad on opening day, and I think when the flying ghost turned into a skeleton is still one the things that most freaked me out ever. Close your eyes Marion! He knew to do that because he was a professor and book smart. Very cool.


Q. Your story ‘Punkupine Moshers of the Apocalypse’ is included in the new Bizzaro Starter Kit Purple. It just so happens Purple is my new favorite starter kit and due to the incredible quality and diversity of the stories I can’t even pick an absolute favorite. Can you?

A. For those who are not familiar with the starter kits I am in the third anthology of novellas by various Bizarro authors. I am super stoked to be in that collection, and love my novella which I have described as an epic fantasy meets 80's punk rock. As for a favorite, this is not hard, Cody Goodfellow is an old friend and one of my favorite authors. His novella Home wreckers is a great dystopian bizarro take on gender issues and has some excellent moments of looking at the differences between men and women.
Matt Revert, Jeff Burk, Cameron Pierce,Garret Cook, Athena Villaverde and lots more. The quality is very high and it works out to be $1 per author to buy. You can't lose if you like weird fiction.

(Interviewer note: All three Bizarro Starter Kits are fantastic reads. If you haven't read them yet check them out here.)


Q. You write in wide range of genres are there any you don’t see yourself exploring?

A. I will never write a musical, well I don't think I will. I think of myself as a horror writer, because that is what my childhood dream was to be. As an adult I feel a bit more kinship to the Bizarro community in many ways because of the DIY aspects, which is natural considering my punk rock and activist background. Like many authors I don't like to be limited by genre. I love horror and Science Fiction, but I also write stuff that to weird even for those genres. I can tell you this I don't see much point is telling a story unless it pushes my imagination. With horror that can be trying to stimulate some strong emotions, With Science Fiction I think it is about pushing the imagination beyond the the normal. Bizarro I think another step even further beyond.

The story has to interest me, and I have to believe I am the one one who can tell it. If those two parameters can be met I'll write. I'll write a horror western some day, I have a plan for an anti-war horror novel, I have kungfu fantasy for kids I'm working on, and several punk rock themed horror novels.


Q. Quick, name drop five Bizarro talents!

A. Eric Mays, D. Harlan Wilson, Gina Ranalli, Cameron Pierce and Bizarro Super fan Zoe Welch. Any serious fan of bizarro needs to know these names. I command thee to Google.


DEATHMATCH QUESTION

Q. In a brutal alternate reality the Political Machine has resurrected every former president and encased their re-animated zombie corpses in well armed cyborg bodies. The cyborg dead presidents have cloned Ted Nugent and formed an army of redneck archers. Only a handful stand against the legion of oppression…Dee Snider rises from the ashes of a nameless former metropolis, in full Twisted Sister gear, and spots Cyber Ronald Reagan stomping on a school house. He howls the chorus to ‘Street Justice’ and grabs the ex-presidents attention. In 1,000 words (give or take) describe the battle and the carnage!

A.

Dee looked at his feet. The bodies of Jello and Zappa were pinned to the floor by arrows, The Nugent clone army approached marching and humming the riff to cat scratch fever. Dee looked back at the ruins. Disk Jockey, Musicland, and Tower records were just beyond the flames. The Regan-bots continued to beat on the school house, chanting “Conform!”
It looked hopeless. The Nuge clone army would be here soon and replace the Dead kenneys with Foreigner, WASP with Bad Company, Rap music with Foghat. Ice-T was right about Freedom of speech, and it was going down. All that stood between a PMRC apocalypse and wasteland of classic rock was Captain Howdy.
Dee snapped his fingers twice and Burn in hell starts, without the intro. The Regan-bot hears the commotion and turns with a scream. Dee spins threw the crowd of Nugent clones dropping them to the ground before they can raise their bows. The Regan-bot hits the ground running.
They meet on the field of battle, Regan-bot doesn't know what to make of a 6'5 blond haired man in drag and Indian war paint. It is just enough time for him to grab Ronnie by the throat.
“Well Ronnie, Your gonna burn in hell!”

AWESOME! Thank you, Mr. Agranoff for the killer interview and entertaining DEATHMATCH.

You can buy David's books here.

For an very in-depth interview with David clicky here.

David's blog-chock full of reviews, news, and interviews is located here.

Until the next time, have fun and stay scary, friends!

Mr. Moon's Review of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You

Rico Slade reads like `Falling Down' with a sense of humor rather than a sense of injustice. Except, of course, instead of a reserved and frustrated Michael Douglas we have Rico F'n Slade- the most awesome action star Hollywood has ever ogled. The story starts out snappy as the man behind Rico's badassness, Chip Johnston, has himself a wee-little breakdown. As his mental stability wanes Chip/Rico cuts a swath of comedic chaos across Hollywood tailed by his hard timing psychologist Harold Schwartzman.

Admittedly, the only frame of reference I have for Sands' work is his story Cheesequake Smash-Up from the Blue Bizarro Starter Kit but I personally feel Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You is a fantastic offering from an author maturing in the bizarro genre. This is a weird story filled with weird characters doing weird things. There is the randomness Sands has become known for but I would in no way call it nonsense. No, no, this is well crafted literary insanity. Sands' writing here is quick, intelligent, and possesses a wit sharp enough to castrate Hollywood. Highly recommended to fans of bizarro, comedy, and high octane action freaks that can take jokes (lots and lots of jokes).

Get your throat ripped out here!

Mr. Moon's Review of Fungus of the Heart

Jeremy C. Shipp’s new collection of bizarro short stories Fungus of the Heart contains elements of horror, crime noir, and quite often dark fantasy. Mr. Shipp has a very distinguishable style even amongst the growing number of authors writing bizarro fiction. He manages to be descriptive and concise at the same time all while spinning quick moving and engrossing stories. Fungus of the Heart is not near as dark or horror heavy as Shipp’s previous collection, Sheep and Wolves, relying more on emotional wallop than out and out scares. The thirteen fantastic stories in Fungus of the Heart all share the common theme of relationships. Shipp takes looks at desire and love in always entertaining and unique ways. Each story is unusual and each packs a different feel but the collection as a whole has a personal feel that pulls you in even deeper.

The stories are as follows.

‘The Sun Never Rises in the Big City’ opens the collection with a pulpy noir story complete with a hard edged detective. The main character is working on the death of a ‘rag’ and the story gets weird as it twists towards a crescendo.

The simple title of The Haunted House betrays the complexity of the actual story about a ghost that helps the living deal with traumatic events. Ash is a ghost that possesses the body of his ‘clients’ and on this particular case everyone involved grows in unexpected ways.

Fungus of the Heart is the story of a man struggling to gain the power to free his kidnapped love from the mysterious ‘fortress’. Our hero is a Sentential (body guard) for Protectors (or powerful beings that watch over and keep villages safe). The catch, in order to gain the power he needs he must eat the heart mushroom of a number of noble Protectors.

The Boy in the Cabinet has only a paper cup and Death Cat for friends but he still has a twisted journey of self discovery waiting for him.

One of my personal favorites, Just Another Vampire Story, is anything but common blood sucker lore rehashed and covered with glitter. The story grabs a hold of your heart right away and drags you to a distant cave inhabited by vampires every bit as unique as you would expect from Jeremy C. Shipp. Strong horror with a heart.

Ticketyboo is a place Jeff and Jill go to recover from the trauma caused by a mysterious accident with their parents. This story is a dark genre blurring visit to a surreal world of healing.

The Escapist is the dark fantasy tale of a gnome who escapes from the enemy goblins’ Farm and befriends a gnome general who will stop at nothing to destroy the goblins.

Ula Morales is the story of an antlered daughter of a magic tree who lives in a surreal forest.

Spider House is a quick weird story that deals with war and the trauma it predicates.

Monkey Boy and The Monsters is the fun story of Monkey Boy the monster slayer and it follows him as he battles his foul enemies and learns about family life.

Kevin Donihe, Agape Walrus is the wacky story of an all loving walrus that lives with a zombie polar bear in the hills of east Tennessee. Classic bizarro.

In Kingdom Come a man searches for his missing boy in a world that is haunting, dark, and futuristic.

How to Make A Clown closes this great bizarro collection with the story of a man with a clown in his attic.

I enjoyed some stories more than others but I’m a gore loving horror hound that doesn’t always go for the emotional rollercoaster that a collection like Fungus of the Heart offers. Though not as terrifying as I typically prefer, Mr. Shipp has put together a highly accessible work of bizarro that could gain him fans from all corners of the reading world. I enjoyed this collection and will seek out more of Shipp’s work. His ability to go from whimsical to heart wrenching in only a few short words makes him a talent to watch in my eyes.

You can find Fungus of the Heart on kindle and paper back here.

Mr. Moon's review of Rotten Little Animals

Mr.Moon's Nightmares All Day Day is only five days away! I was lucky enough to receive a signed copy of Kevin Shamel's Rotten Little Animals to add to the prize pack. In honor of that I wanted to share a review I wrote for Rotten Little Animals awhile back. I also want to take a second and tell everyone that Mr.MoOn's Nightmares All Day Day is only the beast it is becoming because of Mr.Shamel. His generosity and kindness are second only to his ability to write damned entertaining fiction. I'm honored to be able to add a signed copy of Rotten Little Animals to my prize pack!




Mr. Shamel takes us deep into the secret world of the furred and feathered with his debut novel Rotten Little Animals. As is so happens animals really can talk...and so much more.

The story starts with an animal film crew shooting a zombie movie in a human family's back yard. Stinkin' Rat is the director and the brain behind it all. A human boy named Cage accidentally spies the animals filming and (in order to protect the secrets of animals everywhere) the animals kidnap him. It is quickly decided the crew will film the kidnapping and enter the resulting movie into the Animaux Film Festival (held every year in France, of course). Chaos ensues and I don't mean a little bit of chaos. We are talking zombie fights, torture-porn, award show massacres, and more angry little critters than you can shake a stick at. I don't want to ruin any thing for you (the story evolves quickly with a ease that veteran writers have trouble mastering) so I'll just say the action and laughs don't end til the last page.

The story is very fast paced and well told, the twists you encounter pull you in deeper into the secret world of the animals. Shamel gives his characters (be they animals or the odd, okay, very odd, human) personality and life. As the story unfolds you pick up on Shamel's tongue-in-cheek commentary of the state of the world. I felt he clowns it all well. Greed, perversion, and the movie business are all comic fodder in this little gore streaked, chuckle filled story.

All in all a great first novel that balances laughs and action perfectly. Highly recommended for fans of action, comedy, animals, scat (hey, animals poop, okay?), and good smart fiction.

get it here

Mr. Moon and Bizarro Horror X2

I'm very excited and proud to announce that Houdini Gut Punch is live on amazon.com! Yup, my first ever venture into the editing world (be afraid world, be very afraid) was born yesterday. And you know what makes the day even cooler? Houdini Gut Punch has a twisted Bizarro Horror brother! That's right Toe Tags 2: Blood and Bizarro, from Brian Barnett and William Pauley III, is live on amazon as well! That's two tomes of wicked weird bizarro horror for you, together boasting over thirty strange scary stories! Order both from amazon and get free shipping! A frakin' double dose of Jordan Krall and Kevin Shamel!If keep typing I'm only going to use more exclamation points so I'll just turn you loose on these two ToCs of 100% awesome.

Side A
NEON GUTTER MEAT-Jordan Krall
Consumer's Paradise-Patrick D'Orazio
The Claws that Catch- P.D. Hansen
The Fowlness- Stephanie Kincaid
Salami Rhett-Kevin Shamel
Another Double Helix Day In Tailertown- Ben McElroy
New Age- Rick Conrood
Real Love Burns- Jonathan Moon

Side B
Hit and Fun- Garrett Cook
Guy Who Got A Headache- Matt Nord
All Due Stories In Good Time- Timothy W. Long
The Aircrash Bureau (or How Johnny Carson and General Patton Hijacked a Space Shuttle To Get Back On The Air)- Nick Cato
You'll Be Grated When You're Dead- Ruth Imeson
!PING!- Christopher Fox
Drain Angel- Cameron C. Pierce

Find it here



THE SPIDERS OF HONEYVILLE by William Pauley III
FORECLOSURE by Garrett Calcaterra
SHADOW POX by David W Barbee
GUNS II by Joey Froehlich
THIRST by Laura Eno
WIT'S END by Suzie Bradshaw
GUY UNHINGED by Steve Lowe
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE TOMBSTONES by Joey Froehlich
BLACK ENVELOPES by Jordan Krall
GINGERBREAD MEN by John F.D. Taff
LISA GOT SQUASHED by Jodi MacArthur
A PRIVATE NIGHTMARE by Joey Froehlich
WAR AND PIECES by J. Travis Grundon
MOTHER'S SOLACE by Alan Spencer
SHEA by Kevin Shamel
UNTITLED by Joey Froehlich
THE NOWHERE ROOM by Andersen Prunty
CARNIVORL by Lee Hughes
HAPPINESS COMES IN SMALL PACKAGES by Brian Barnett

AVAILABLE HERE

See what I'm saying? Huzzah! And amazon is so excited they'll give you FREE shipping if you order them together! Boo. Ya. Ka.

MoOn

Mr. Moon Interviews William Pauley III

I'm sitting in a small dark room with stale smoke swirling around me. I've turned up the radio and let the animals out of their cages. I've smashed all the light bulbs and stepped on the broken glass. No, it's not my birthday. I'm trying to get in the right state of mind to talk with William Pauley III. Mr. Pauley is a hard working bizarro author/editor that writes quick moving bizarro fiction that jumps genres faster than Jamey Jasta from Hatebreed can do a pop star kick. Seriously friends, William Pauley III will be at the forefront of bizarro authors leaving their stain on the literary world and you should get hip to him now. Take for example this interview...it's chock full of laughs, pop culture nightmares, and Pauley's undeniable attitude. Enjoy!

Q. First of all, can I call you Pauley 3?

A. Yes, but only if you call me William first.
(Interviewer Note: Too fancy and rich for a damned nickname, huh?)

Q. Okay now that that’s out of the way, what are the earliest influences on your writing? Please include any social factors for wanting to write in addition to other authors and their work. What made you want to write?

A. I’ve always loved to read. I remember when I was a child my parents would often take me to the library. I was always drawn towards science fiction and mysteries mainly. Stuff like Encyclopedia Brown and those fun little ‘choose-your-own-adventure’ books. I also loved Goosebumps, which I think may be why I love B-movies so much now, especially horror and sci-fi B-movies. I was also very, very influenced by 90’s Nickelodeon shows – pretty much all of them. Nickelodeon was so weird and funny back then. I would be surprised to find a bizarro author who didn’t grow up watching Nickelodeon. Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstein, and Roald Dahl also became major influences for me. When I got a little older, around middle school age, I started reading more ‘grown up’ authors such as Ray Bradbury, George Orwell and H.G. Wells. While I always enjoyed horror films, I never really started reading horror until years later.

My first memory of actually writing was when I was about eight years old. My grandma gave me a blank notebook. I remember thinking that I wanted to write until every single page was filled up. I didn’t end up writing that much, but what I did write was a short story about the military finding an alien body and doing an autopsy on it. During the autopsy, the alien wakes up and kills everybody. A couple of years later, the movie INDEPENDENCE DAY came out and I was so pissed. I was convinced that they had stolen my story. But really, the story isn’t that original anyway. Looking back now, I am pretty sure that I had even stolen the idea from a documentary I had watched anyway. But yeah, I was a pissed little ten year old for a while, haha.

Q. I like my fiction weird and dark, and sometimes I like it short…so it seems this The New Flesh is made just for me. Just in case it isn’t could you tell us about it?

A. Actually, it was made just for you! The New Flesh is a blogzine that I started about a year and a half ago that specialized in publishing weird stories. When I first got brave enough to send my stories into magazines, I found that a lot of my stories were being rejected because of how weird they were. Since there weren’t really any places to publish weird flash fiction, I had to submit to the closest thing – horror flash websites and sci-fi websites. Then after the tenth or eleventh “this is too weird” letter, and knowing that I had many writer friends with this same problem, I decided to start my own website. We’ve got some killer tales, too! You should definitely check us out if weird is your thing.



Q. I enjoyed the hell out of Doom Magnetic! The high action bizarro mix of Sci-Fi Western and Violent Crime Horror makes for one of my favorite novellas of the year. And now I hear there’s a frak load more of Doom Magnetic to still be unleashed. Fill me in.

A. Thank you very much! I’m glad you enjoyed it. And yes, you’ve heard right. Doom Magnetic! and its two sequels, Doom Magnetic!! and Doom Magnetic!!!, will be released in a single volume tentatively titled, THE COMPLETE DOOM MAGNETIC! through LegumeMan books. LegumeMan had read the first book and liked it so much that they slapped me with a check for $5,000,000 [notice I said ‘slapped me with’ not ‘paid me’] to publish it and its sequels. I can’t really give away any of the plot details just yet, but you can expect more fast-paced, facked-out mayhem with your cowboy pal, Maundin, and the ever evil Qoser, the Japanese assassin with a cue-ball eye. It is going to kick your ass.

(Interviewer note: Keep your eyes turned towards Australia for this KILLER collection of awesome bizarro story!!!!)

Q. What else are you working on?

A. Right now I am crazy busy writing the Doom Magnetic! sequels, but I also have another book in the works called Demolition Ya-Ya. It’s a novel about a man who wakes up in the middle of the desert to find that he is melting. He has no memory of who he is or why he is melting, but he soon finds himself caught in a dangerous game. It is a very dark sci-fi/bizarro/horror tale that will be published by The Library of Bizarro Horror Press alongside a novel by the great Jordan Krall. I’m very excited about working with both The Library of Bizarro Horror and Jordan Krall.

I also have a book coming out VERY soon from Grindhouse Press called The Brothers Crunk – An 8-Bit Fack-It-All Adventure in 2D. If you grew up in the eighties playing Atari, SEGA, or the almighty NES, then you won’t want to miss this weird little book where the characters live in a world that uses classic video game accessories as real weapons. Look for it to hit in the next month or so.

(Interviewer Note: I can honestly say, as The Library of Bizarro Horror, that we are honored to work with both William Pauley III and Jordan Krall...this will rip faces off!)

Q. Who is your all-time favorite bad guy from movies or literature?

A. Oh man, this is a toughie. I tend to like villains much more than heroes, so I have a pretty long list of ultimate badasses. I really like The Joker. I really, really enjoyed Gary Oldman’s character in Leon, The Professional – man, he was insane! I also really like Mr. Gone from the comic book series The Maxx. He had his head cut off twice and the man still fucking owned! But my all-time favorite? Probably Darryl Revok from the movie Scanners. If anyone else can think of a more brilliant badass than Michael Ironside, then I’d love to hear it.


Q. Why does William Pauley III write bizarro fiction instead of civil war romance novels?

A. Start up The Library of Civil War Romance Press and I will get to writing.

(Interviewer Note: Maybe we'd finally get rich!)


Q. If you could pick 6 horror movies for an all night movie marathon which would they be?
A. Only 6?! Okay… off the top of my head: Tokyo Gore Police, The Brood, The Thing, Dust Devil, Microwave Massacre, and Let Me In (no, not LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. Yes, I’ve seen both versions and prefer the remake).


Q. Speaking of that what is your favorite Disney movie?

A. Tron.

(Interviewer Note: Niiiiice!)


Q. While we are on a roll how far would you make it through Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory?

A. To the very end. And when Mr. Wonka gave me the factory, I’d wait until the old fart kicked the bucket, sell it and make millions.


Q. Frankenstein or the Wolfman?

A. Frankenstein. I can’t stand werewolves. Boooorrrriiiinnnggg…


Q. Water, Whiskey, or coffee?

A. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.


Q. If you could kick one super hero in the nards with no repercussions who would it be?

A. Superman, even though it would probably break my foot rather than hurt him. Fancy alien asshole.

Q. Who said, “That rug really tied the room together…did it not?”?

A. THE DUDE.

(Interviewer Note: I would have also accepted Walter Sobchek, I had to watch The Big Lebowski this morning to make sure The Dude said it too. Damn, it there goes my streak.)

Q. Any advise to aspiring writer types?

A. Don’t take advice.


Q. Quick, first name your all time favorite piece of bizarre fiction and then name drop five bizarre talents!

A. My all-time favorite piece of bizarre fiction is Mark Z. Danielewski’s HOUSE OF LEAVES. Check it out if you get the chance. Oh and I’m also nearly finished reading Jordan Krall’s BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE APOCALYPSE DONKEYS which may very well end up being my favorite bizarro book ever. It’s damn good and should be available soon. Five bizarre talents? 1) Jordan Krall, 2) Matthew Revert, 3) Garrett Cook, 4) Steve Lowe, 5) Chris Bowsman (look for his excellent debut early next year)

DEATHMATCH Question

Q. Your character Qoser from Doom Magnetic, he of the cueball eye and the ability to open the Doom Magnetic, is searching the galaxy for the man known as Maudin accompanied by a small army of the ferocious little bastards known as Mopes. Qoser follows Maudin’s scent to a Brokencyde show. Qoser and his mopes end up in the screamocrunksters dressing room. Three burley body guards surround the brightly attired rocker/clubers. Undaunted by the men Qoser does what he does and asks if they know where Maudin is. The band responds by dousing Qoser with champagne. His cueball eye ball twitches and chaos erupts. Describe the carnage and the outcome in 1,500 words

A. The Brokencyde boys giggle into their armpits as Qoser wrings out his champagne soaked kimono. He is holding the ends of thirty leather leashes in his fist, of which thirty blood-thirsty mopes are attached to, so he has to squeeze the liquid out of his dress with only one hand. The mopes tug anxiously at their leashes, their blood-stained teeth hang like daggers on the outside of their mouths.
“I’m going to ask one last time, and I suggest you answer me straight,” Qoser says, shaking the liquid from his hand. “Where. Is. Maundin?”
The boys try their best to keep from bursting into laughter, their faces turning cherry-red from not breathing. All of them that is except for Mikl, who seems lost in thought.
“You…” Qoser says, pointing at Mikl. “You know where he is, don’t you?”
Mikl looks up at Qoser and screws up his face, “What’d you say his name was again, yo?”
“Maundin.” Qoser repeats, stepping a foot closer. The mopes are now only inches away from Brokencyde. They dart their tongues out like frogs, tasting them. Saliva gathers in puddles on the floor.
Mikl closes his eyes and begins to bob his head, mumbling nonsense under his breath. “Yo, yo… check it… yo… I got a FREAKDIDDY all up in my biznazz,” Mikl sings, his voice suddenly and oddly electronic. “Askin’ for a mothafucka, ain’t nobody seen him…”
Se7en stands up and combs his frizzy dyed hair down into his face with his fingers. He begins to scream along with Mikl’s rap. “FREAKDDIDDDDDDDDYYYYY!!!!!! MOTHAFUCKAAAA!!!!!”
“Oh shit!” Mikl looks back at Se7en and playfully punches his shoulder. “We’z just wrote another muthafuckin’ song, yo! This one’s GOT to be the one that gets us dat mothafuckin’ Grammy.”
“NO DOUBT!” Se7en screams.
Qoser checks the word count. Shit, only 300. I must somehow make this last for another 1,200 words! He drops the leather leashes from his hand. The mopes rip every last inch of meat from their bones, even licking up the blood on the floor afterwards. Qoser raises his hand high in the air. The bones suddenly begin to move and levitate off the floor. Qoser whips his hand around, causing the bones to swirl together and tighten into a large ball of gore (hey, that rhymes!).
Thirty diehard Brokencyde fans stand in front of the stage, anxiously awaiting the most crunktastic band in history to come out and scream nonsense into their faces for the next two hours. The lights go out. The thirty drunk-out-of-their-fucking-skulls fans all start screaming and falling over one another. The curtains pull back, revealing a faint silhouette of something hanging over the stage. The spotlights come on and make their way over to the object – the giant ball of bloody Brokencyde bones.
The crowd is silent for nearly thirty seconds as they all stand and stare at the mess of bone. Finally, someone in the crowd screams, “GET CRUNK, MOTHAFUCKA!” And the others scream and start dancing, even though there is no music. A couple of the girls even sneak on stage and drink Brokencyde blood out of the other’s navel – the most crunkaliscious blood eva!
Qoser walks out onto the stage and grabs the microphone. “I just wanted to apologize for only doing about half of the required word count, but you can’t possibly understand how annoying these kids were. I mean, sure… I would have loved to have tortured them a bit, but that song… that fucking song put me over the top,” Qoser takes a deep breath. “So long for now… oh, and don’t forget to tip your bartender. Good night!”
A few people clap as he exits the stage, but no one listened to a single word. A few hours later, the place begins to empty out. Not a soul complained about the band not showing up for the show. Surprisingly, no one seemed to notice.

(Interviewer note: Okay, this is a great DEATCHMATCH, however, I just had to point out if Pauley would have described every character as 'drunk-out-of-their-fucking-skulls' he would have reached the word count. Don't give up kids, and use long descriptive words in catchy phrases when you need to thicken things up.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, William Pauley the III!!!!
Look, the front side of his head!

You can find Pauley all over the internet but I recommend looking for him at his blog

Grindhouse Press whom will be publishing The Brothers Crunk.

Stop by and read all the strangeness you can handle or you can sub your crazy weird stories to him at The New Flesh

Next up...Eric S. Brown!!!!

Mr. Moon Interviews David W. Barbee

Bizarro, for those of you that don't know, is a relatively new genre hitting the fiction world like a palm thrust to the throat. Sometimes intelligent, sometimes ridiculous,often violent and sexual, and always entertaining. I had the chance to send a handful of questions to a bright new talent in the Bizarro world; none other than David W. Barbee. I sent the questions to his secret hideout where he communicates with that fascist little bastard 898.What follows are his answers. I almost feel like I should hand out giant plastic sheets like Gallagher used to. Except it would shield you not from chunks of watermelon but the vomit, gore, and Oompa Loompa arterial spray. Enjoy!


Q. So your novel Carnageland was published by the rad Eraserhead Press as part of The New Bizarro Author Series. Can you tell us about the N.B.A.S. and some of your fellow N.B.A.S. authors?



A. The NBAS is a dastardly plot to incubate new bizarro drones for when Eraserhead Press takes over the world. As for the current members, I can only say very good things. Eric, Pat, and Kevin are some of the smartest, friendliest, and most creative folks I’ve ever met. I love those guys so much that I’m drawing pictures of Invader 898 killing each of them in gruesome fashion. They’re awesome. With any luck, we’ll all move up the bizarro ladder and another group of eager writers will form the next incarnation of the NBAS.





Q. What the hell made you want to become a writer?



A. I’ve always been creative. When I was a kid, I wanted to either write or draw comic books, but when I was fifteen, I decided once and for all that I wanted to be a novelist. So I started teaching myself to write, and I’ve been trying to grow and evolve my work ever since then. Thankfully, I fell in with Eraserhead Press, a bunch of weirdos I look up to who deemed me worthy enough to join their ranks. I’ve not only met some of my favorite authors, I got to hang out with them. We’re all pals now. Fifteen-year-old David would shit his pants if he saw me now.





Q. You draw crazy violent pictures and make wicked sick toys, any other secret talents?



A. I can play the harmonica with my anus

(Interviewer note: It's not secret if there's a YouTube video of it.)



Q. ALL TIME favorite bad guy from books or movies?



A. Cain from Robocop 2, a big robot with a drug-dealer’s brain. Robot AND drug-dealer? Even I find that despicable.





Q. What are you working on right now?



A. A lot of different stuff. Mainly promoting Carnageland, but I’m also illustrating a few comic strips that’ll be coming out in the fall. Jordan Krall is writing them and I’m doing the art. It’s going to be really weird and will explode many skulls.





Q. Who said, “Also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.” ?



A. Walter Sobchak, who is a great American by the way. He doesn’t fuckin’ roll on Shabbos and neither should anyone else.

( Interviewer note: High Five!)



Q. Why does David Barbee write Bizarro fiction and not vampire romance novels?



A. Because I hate money.





Q. If you could pick six horror movies for an all night horror movie marathon what would they be?



A. Braindead, The Fly, Re-Animator, American Werewolf in London, and the Thing.


( Interviewer note: I assume the sixth that he didn't want to share with you is Critters)


Q. How far would you have made it through Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory?



A. I sneak away from the crowd as they gawk at machine that makes chocolate hearts for Valentine’s Day that have actual heartbeats. I make my way to Wonka’s office, and I only have to slit three Oompa Loompa throats in the process. Inside Wonka’s office, I rob his safe, because he has half a fucking safe and that’s ridiculous.





Q. A mummy or The Creature from the Black Lagoon?



A. Creature from the Black Lagoon. Frankenstein and Dracula are classics, but where’s the love for the lizard/fish guy? Everybody writes these romantic vampire or werewolf books. Hell, even Frankenstein and the mummy probably have some erotica based on them. But nobody wants to fuck the lizard/fish guy? That’s not cool. Show the Creature some LOVE, ladies.





Q. Are you stepping in the ring for the Bizarro Showdown at Bizarrocon this year?



A. Yeah. I have no idea what I’m going to do or say. If people want to send me ideas for how to win the Showdown, give me a shout!





Q. I read on a bathroom wall that September 11, 2010 is intergalactic Carnageland Day, please for the love of Cthulhu tell me more!



A. The bathroom wall speaks true. September 11th is going to be an extravaganza of cosmic dimensions. On that day, we’re all going to attack Carnageland’s Amazon page, causing an awesomeness overload that may blow up Seattle. I want people to tag, review, and BUY (for yourself or a friend) my book. You can even call bookstores and tell THEM to buy it, then read it for free in the store. Same with libraries. In return, Inpire Inc has authorized me to provide the masses with exclusive artwork, customized action figures, and many other treasures. So if you help Carnageland, by all means tell me so, because I’m rewarding your service and there are only NINE action figures in this batch!
(Interviewer note: I HUGELY support this. I think all of you should join the party and buy Carnageland on September 11, 2010)
(Interviewer note: Dude,I will fist fight for one of those action figures!)



Q. Quick, name drop five great Bizarro talents!



A. CM3, Kevins Donihe & Shamel, Jordan Krall, and Cameron Pierce. Wish I could add more.


(Interviewer note: Between Barbee and I the word 'Krall' appears 30 times in this interview. That's more than 'the', 'and', and 'fuck'. And that's why we call him Boss Krall...okay 31.)


DEATHMATCH Question



Q. After months of internet death threats the time has come for YOU (David Barbee) and Jordan ‘Boss’ Krall to settle your differences once and for all. The two of you meet at the official set of Bloodsport. You are both wearing monster truck driver coveralls with bright patches for your sponsors. Garrett Cook wraps all of your fists in double sided tape, gives you each a chug of whiskey, then smashes the bottle into a box full of shattered bottles. You and Krall stand trucker cap to trucker cap and roll your fists in the glass; trying to get as many large shards to stick to your knuckles as possible. Your soul patch twitches and growls. Krall’s beard changes color three times before settling on maroon. At the exact same instant you two are about to begin the fight of your life the far set wall collapses under the weight of a flood of zombified 80’s television stars! Do you team with your arch nemesis before Uncle Jesse can tear you to shreds? Do you cheap shot the shit out of him and run?

You have 1000 words to describe the carnage and the outcome!



A:
Mr. Belvedere steps forward and slices through Krall’s flabby stomach, spilling ropes of bloody tentacles. The fat dead butler pushes Krall to the floor. Krall scrambles away only to slip on one of his own gut-tentacles. His glasses are broken, he’s puking green stuff, and Belvedere looms above him. Barbee’s fist suddenly smashes through Belvedere’s gooey face, splashing Krall with necrotic slime. Barbee pulls Krall up to his feet and quickly uses him as a human shield as Webster flies at them like a spider monkey. Webster chews on Krall’s face as Barbee turns to see the Seavers, the Keatons, and the whole cast of the Wonder Years ambling forward. Barbee rips off Krall’s left arm to defend against them. Krall and Barbee are the last two living people in the Kumate now. Webster has his hand down Kralls throat to the elbow, and Barbee bats the snarky little bastard away. Webster goes flying, ricocheting off of the Fat Man and knocking Jake’s head off. The Seavers and the Keatons are still coming. Barbee waves Krall’s arm over his head several times, then cracks it like a whip. He starts beheading corpses while Krall runs around screaming, bright pink slime splashing out of the hole where his arm used to be. Barbee runs through the horde, slaying zombies left and right and accidentally elbowing Krall in the back of the head. A roaring groan fills the arena and the zombies part to reveal the king of them all: Cosby. His sweater is gray, orange, purple, yellow, and red. Cosby’s dead throat screams into the sky and he charges forward. Barbee peels Krall off the floor and quickly lights his hair on fire. Barbee waves fire at the zombies, holding Krall’s stiff skeleton high like a torch. But Cosby isn’t afraid. He tackles Barbee to the floor, but Barbee manages to hold on to his weapon. He uses Krall to club Cosby across the head. Krall’s flaming hair finally snuffs out. He flails against Cosby’s skull until the king of 80’s zombies’ brain liquefies and leaks out of his skull. Without Cosby, the other zombies collapse to the floor, harmless and truly dead. Barbee drops Krall, now a smoking sack of bones. Krall staggers to his feet as Barbee bends down and grabs a handful of MacGuyver’s face. Turning, Barbee is met with a lead pipe through the eye socket. Krall stands victorious, tears of vomit streaming from his melted eyes.


GREAT ANSWER! Killer battle!
Ladies and Gentlemen, David W, Barbee!



You can find David at...
facebook- http://www.facebook.com/david.w.barbee
And his blog (which features chapters of Snufftunes!)- http://davidwbarbee.wordpress.com/
OR skip all that and go straight to amazon.com and make him rich

NEXT UP....GARRETT COOK!!!!!