Friday, June 24, 2011

Mr. Moon's Review of A Million Versions of Right

A Million Versions of Right
By Matthew Revert

A Million Versions of Right is a collection of absolute absurdity from Matthew Revert (pronounced Rev Air, and I only mention so you don’t sound like a fool when recommending this book to all your friends).

I confess right off the bat it has taken me far longer to write this review than it should have. Despite the fact A Million Versions of Right is one of the most entertaining works of literary mayhem I’ve EVER read. Despite the fact I’ve read it over and over in the few short months I’ve owned it. Despite the fact I can open it to any random page and I know I’ll laugh out loud. Despite the fact I’ve spent entire shifts at my day job praising it and spoiling every story for everyone within ear shot. Yeah, despite all of that I still have one hell of a time reviewing this wonderfully weird collection. I think the best way to achieve my goal of relaying my feelings for this amazingly bizarre bunch of stories is to take it one story at a time.

The title story A Million Versions of Right opens up the collection and gives you a fair idea of the madness you can expect. This is a wonderfully crafted story about ejaculating small mustachioed tillers and how to deal with such strange ejaculates. It is the classiest low brow humor has ever been, featuring more surprising (totally insane) moments and laugh out loud passages than almost any story I’ve read in the past five years. I first read this story in the amazing Purple Bizarro Starter kit and purchased A Million Versions of Right on the strength of this story alone. A seriously great piece of humorous fiction.

From there we go to a story called The Bricolage Scrotum. Every full blooded male will cringe starting with the first paragraph and then giggle through rest…while still cringing. This is the story of two brothers and the scrotums they pop. As well as a man that doesn’t like scrotums and their hideous appearance and an opposing group of pro-scrotum men hell bent on sharing some scrot-love. If you have a ball bag this story will make you truly appreciate it…all while cringing and laughing.
The Great Headphone Wank is the surprisingly heartfelt story about headphones that play the sounds of people masturbating through them. The main character works for a company where he yells at walls all day. This story is just as absurd and hilarious as the rest but it also has a bittersweet heart to it that tugs at your emotions through your tears of laughter.

The four part Meeting Max is a modern weird fiction masterpiece featuring a barber district, bald men in capes, PMS conspiracies, and sex so twisted Freud would climb out of his grave to talk moms with Mr. Revert. This story is the longest of the lot and therefore contains the most laughs. Insane, obscene, and terribly fantastic in every way.

Power Blink is a quick little story that crams a lot of ridiculousness into just a few pages. Imagine a blink so powerful it could make you soil yourself. If you can’t get the mental picture on your own worry not because Revert can do it for you and make you glad he did.

The Book Mark that Wouldn’t Work closes the collection with the absurd history of the book mark and a case of one that simply won’t work. Frustration has seldom been so funny.

If you couldn’t tell I adore this book. I would give it six stars out of five if I could. The stories are incredibly absurd and I maintain that in the hands of a less talented writer this collection would be a mess of confusing disturbing crap. Instead A Million Versions of Right is a shining star among the weird fiction world just waiting for you to swallow it whole. I seriously can’t recommend this hilariously brilliant collection enough. Fans of comedy and bizarro should own this collection and are only hurting themselves by not having it on their shelves.

Order your own copy here! Trust me you'll be glad you did.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Mr. Moon's Review of Starfish Girl

Starfish Girl
By Athena Villaverde

Starfish Girl is the cutest bizarro book I’ve read yet. Now, please don’t go misinterpreting that statement, because somehow Ms. Villaverde has crafted a story equal part ‘AWWWWW’’ and ‘AWESOME’. The cute (or ‘AWWWWW’) comes in the form of the young starfish girl main character, Ohime, and her childish innocence and ever endearing positive attitude. The ’AWESOME’ comes in the form of the red sea anemone dreadlocked assassin, Timbre, and her wicked fighting skills, poison darts and fierce tentacles.

Together the young girl and the assassin travel across an underwater world encased in a giant dome. Every stop along the way is described in vivid and vibrant detail as the two are chased by the evil Dr. Itchii and his crew of sea creature mutant henchmen through a landscape devastated by a strange yellow algae that mutates the dome inhabitants. Our heroines navigate the world encountering strange and dangerous characters every step of the way. The world is bright and colorful despite the apocalyptic feel that permeates the story. As I was reading I felt like I was watching a twisted neon cartoon with sex, violence, and heart.

Like the other story I’ve read from Athena, Clockwork Girl from the incredible Purple Bizarro Starter Kit, Starfish Girl is entertaining and reads quick enough you almost don’t even realize you’ve become emotionally invested until the story reaches its end and you’re left with a bittersweet smile on your face. Bright colors, fantastic scenery, odd and imaginative characters, and a surprising amount of grittiness make for one hell of an entertaining read. I highly recommend Starfish Girl to fans of anime, bizarro, and fish.

You can order Starfish Girl here!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Soul in My Throat

I should have put her soul in a glass jar. It would have stained the jar black just like all the others. I know that now. She smelled so pure and so sweet.

Sometimes gristle looks just like meat.

I tasted her; her sweat and her blood. My stomach turned and I couldn't resist. I took out her eyes and they tasted fine. But her soul was poisoned and foul.

My eyes water and I'm dying now.

I cut off her hands and hung them with the others. The black jars swirled and shone there on my shelf. Thick blood caked in stripes down her cheeks and I didn't notice her grin.

I save the souls and I eat the sin.

Her soul was swollen as decay made it bloat. It chokes down my screams and my breath. My hands and feet go numb first. My knife clatters when it hits the floor and the jars seem to rattle. My world is going as black as the jars upon my shelf. Her eyeless corpse smiles at me while I choke on her soul in my throat.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Mr. Moon Interviews Jordan Krall

If you've been paying any kind of attention to the budding Bizarro scene you know who Jordan Krall is. If you haven't been paying attention to the budding Bizarro scene you need to, seriously go to Bizarro Central right now then come back and finish reading this.. Jordan Krall is a literary animal, writing books filled to the brim with kinks and squids that hop genre lines like the Soulja Boy dance. He is the author of an ever growing list of not only good, but great works. His western Fistful of Feet is my favorite bizarro novel (we'll talk about it later) and his novella King Scratch (see the doubled head review from a few days back) has a great chance of being nominated for a Wonderland Award this year. In short he is awesome and donkeys everywhere look up to him. I know its hard to depchier though all my babble but Mr. Krall is seriously one of my favorite writers working today and I am honored to bring you his DEATHMATCH interview!

Q. Okay, lets start from the beginning. What made you want to become a writer and who and what do you credit with influencing you?

A. There was no defining moment that made me want to become a writer, no magical moment when I realized my “destiny.” I suppose it all came about from growing up in a household where everyone read books. The ironic part is that my family mostly read nonfiction. My earliest memory of my wanting to be a writer was when I was very young and drawing/writing in the inside covers of books. I specifically recall one book being about robots. As a teenager, I was heavy into the Beat writers as well as Surrealism and Dadaism… and I think that might have influenced me to think of writing as a lifestyle, a way to express my thoughts for other people. At that time I was also reading a lot of horror like Clive Barker, Lovecraft, Koontz. My goal was, and still is, to have my writing enjoyed by people I don’t know (and therefore have no obligation to me so they don't have to lie about liking it). I’ve accomplished that. So I guess I can stop writing any day now.

Q. I gotta admit Fistful of Feet is my favorite work of bizarro fiction. As a fan of both old westerns and bizarro it captured the best of both; sticking to classic western story lines and action while breathing twisted weird life into the town and the large cast of characters. Is there any chance of more stories returning to Screwhorse?

A. I did write a few related stories and they are available in a short ebook called FOR A FEW FEET MORE. They went to people who preordered FISTFUL OF FEET (though I might have forgotten some people so if you didn’t get a copy, contact me!). I also wrote a prequel story THE PISTOL BURPS which you can find in the first issue of the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction. I don’t have anymore plans on writing anything substantial connected to that book, though. I suppose if a publisher approached me about doing one, I would.

Q. Is it true that at Horrorfind 2010 William Pauley III drank you under the table?

A. Is William Pauley III even old enough to drink? He doesn’t look it. He might be about old enough to maybe shine my shoes. Anyway I don’t recall his drinking anything at Horrorfind except for my “jerky vodka” and that is the god’s honest truth.
(Interviewer Note: *shiver*)

Q. What are you working on right now?

A. Wow, that’s crazy question because I got a lot of stuff going on at the moment. I’m finishing up TENTACLE DEATH TRIP for Eraserhead Press. It’s a post-apocalyptic road race with some Cthulhu mythos elements. Also, PENETRALIA which Legumeman Books will be publishing. I guess the best description I can give right now is that it’s like an Andy Milligan film novelized by someone like Edward Lee….but without the humor. I’m planning on this being a pretty dark, serious book with a lot of intense sex, violence, and psychosexual themes. Also, I have a book coming out soon by Copeland Valley Press. It’s called BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE APOCALYPSE DONKEYS and is probably my best work so far. It involves a rare film, an obsessed fan, a nudist colony, and a hummingbird. I believe it defies genre labels. It’s somewhat bizarro. It has elements of horror. But it also has melodrama, romance, action. It’s probably my most personal work.

Q. Writers write about what they know, and it’s been said horror writers write about what scares them. Seriously, are you more afraid of squid than they are of you?

A. Sea life both fascinates and repulses me. Some childhood experiences in the ocean have also placed some deep-rooted fears in me. But really..look at vampire squid and horseshoe crabs and tell me they don’t belong in Hell. I'd like to wipe them off the face of the earth.
(Interviewer Note: I think the answer would be the same if I asked about feet.)

Q. How far would you make it through Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory?

A. I wouldn’t even have gone in. I’d have known it was a trick from the beginning. No one likes a liar, Willy Wonka.

Q. Since I know you are a fellow fan of the true masters of rock, Clutch, I gotta ask what’s your favorite Clutch album? And why?

A. Probably Blast Tyrant because it’s just the most consistently rocking and the one I can listen to over and over the most. I also like the vocals better than in the early stuff.
( Interviewer Note: EXCELLENT ANSWER!)

Q. Six horror movies for an all night movie marathon?

A. That’s a tough question because I like all sorts of horror movies and will sometimes have different marathons (Universal, Hammer, etc). But if I was going for an all out favorite horror marathon these would be the ones, the movies I could watch over and over (and often do): Halloween III, Tourist Trap, Suspiria, Eaten Alive, Vacancy, Cigarette Burns.

Q. You and William Pauley III are doing a sweet ass duel novella for Library of Bizarro Horror this year, can you tell the people a little about your story?

A. My story is called YOUR CITIES, YOUR TOMBS and is difficult to describe except that I’ll say it involves a motel, an industrial park, and it’s probably nothing like anything I’ve written before.
(Interviewer Note: This duel novella will rip off faces and tack it to walls.)

Q. William Pauley III once stated his Indian burns kick your nipple twisters ass, how does this statement make you feel?

A. It makes me feel uncomfortable because William has been warned several times not to talk about my body.

(interviewer note: in the official cover this donkey has nipples)

Q. Who is your ALL-TIME favorite bad guy?

A. Another tough question. Maybe Mr. Slausen from Tourist Trap but that sounds lame.Or maybe Michael Sullivan from Road to Perdition though I guess he's not really a bad guy.

Q. If you could knife fight one celebrity who would it be?

A. Julia Roberts. I’d love to carve that stupid grin off her face.

Q. Is William Pauley III’s hair as soft as it looks?

A. It’s actually a wig. I’m not kidding.
(Interviewer note: I don't believe him. That hair looks silkier than a wig)

Q. Who said, “just because we’re bereaved it doesn’t make us saps!” ?

A. Haha! Someone I emulate every chance I get.

Q. Quick, name drop five great Bizarro talents!

A. Just five? There are quite a few who are authors to really look out for so I’m going to end up leaving some good people out. But here are probably my favorite authors, ones who are completely brilliant at what they do: William Pauley III, Garrett Cook, Andersen Prunty, Eric Mays, Matthew Revert.
(Interviewer note: I can vouch for each of these dudes.)


Q. Mere moments after Joe Fox of Fox Books realizes ‘Shopgirl’, the woman he has slowly been falling in love with on-line, is really Kathleen Kelly, the spirited independent book store owner around the block, a horde of zombiefied television sitcom stars converge on Manhattan. In seconds Joe and his general manager/wing man Kevin are surrounded by dead Hollywood brats whose behavior in life was unpredictable and twice as much so now that they are rotting. Please describe in a 1000 words or so Joe and Kevin’s plan of attack to save ‘Shopgirl’ from the gnashing teeth of television history!

A. Dabney Coleman who plays Joe Fox’s father, watches from the sidelines. Who the fuck do those Hollywood brats think they are, right? That’s what he’s asking while he channels his inner Jack Flack and comes out with his Cold War-era espionage skills a-blazing. His “son” Joe Fox (who, in reality, is really actor Henry Thomas) beats his general manager Kevin to death with a copy of House of Leaves. He doesn’t need that wise-cracking asshole to survive this apocalyptic shit. Unnecessary character taken care of.

Dabney “Jack Flack” Coleman aka Father Fox, well, he’s wearing a beret and sneaking around the outside of Fox Books. He’s always prepared for any sort of Blitzkrieg undead or otherwise.

“Come on out, son,” he whispers though the whisper is quite loud….not unlike a stampede of elephants amplified through a bullhorn. “We gotta save Lady Ace!”

Joe Fox aka Henry Thomas, he’s just sitting there with a bloody copy of House of Leaves, trying to wonder if saving that woman, Kathleen “Lady Ace” Kelly aka ShopGirl is really worth it. I mean, she’s so passive, so weak, even for a woman. She’s even annoying when she sneezes. He realizes he should have stayed in San Antonio because New York City is a haven for degenerates and Communists and hipsters and small businesses and Mafiosi and Disney occultism and fashionable but passé vegans. Then there are the anarcho-primitivists who ride bicycles just like people did 10,000 years ago.

“Dad, we don’t have to save anyone but ourselves,” he says. “Let me just grab a bag and fill it up with books for our journey west.”

Again, Jack Flack Dabney whispers/screams. “Make sure you grab every copy of Simon Revair’s Stadium Games!”

“Will do, pa!” Joe Fox yells, sarcastically calling his father “pa” because it was old-fashioned and he was a man of the 20th Century (1998 to be exact. Two years before the Y2K catastrophe which left millions without access to porn and Dime-a-Dance clubs).

What about the zombies? Oh, the zombies are doing their thing, shuffling around and making sounds like massive indigestion. They are only playing second fiddle to the real stars who are, of course, the Fox men. But still, we can’t leave the zombies out. Gary Coleman himself is shuffling himself into Fox Books, kicking books and grabbing any customer he can. He bites one man and he eats and he spits out yuppie flesh which is bland and tastes like trendy health food and an overpriced education.

And then in the Hobbies section of Fox Books there was Morris who looks a lot like Flattop from the 1990 movie version of Dick Tracy. Poor Morris won’t make it, of course. He gets shot by a real smart zombie with a huge mustache. The bullet goes through Morris and into an old computer monitor while dead Gary Coleman giggles.

Joe Fox Henry Thomas watches this and decides he has to at least have some contact with dead Gary Coleman because, in fact, he did enjoy the work of the live Gary Coleman though now it is mostly old episodes Diff’rent Strokes on television and a lone copy of season one on DVD (It had been an X-Mas Gift from pa Fox who, despite DNA evidence to the contrary, insists that Gary is his first born for they share the same dry sense of humor and sarcastic wit).

Being as stealthy as can be, Joe Fox grabs his bag, stuffs it with the books his father requested, and walks down to the first floor of the store and approached dead Gary Coleman.

He says, “Dead Gary Coleman…..can I touch you?”

“Blah! BAWAAAWAWAWAWAWAWAAAAA!” is all dead Gary Coleman replies. It isn’t even that he can’t speak as much as he doesn’t want to spend any of his remaining brainpower on coherency for some capitalist pig like Joe Fox. That bargain books megastore was hell on earth.

Joe Fox (aka Henry Thomas… you get the idea) backs away from the dead comedian and wonders, “Why the hell am I afraid of this guy?”

Before he can answer himself, Mr. Gary Coleman dons a fedora hat and a trench coat. He glides across the bookstore floor and lands a punch square in Joe Fox’s nose. Blood and disappointment fly everywhere.

Father Dabney Fox (now in priest garb over his spy attire) runs into the store to avenge his son’s beating. He stands in front of his “first born” …. Gary himself.

“Punch someone your own size, son number 1,” Fox says.

“Blah! That’s impossible,” Gary says.

“Blasphemy!” Father Fox says, pulling off his beret and throwing it Frisbee-like towards Coleman.

A decapitation occurs.

Other things happen.

There’s a fire in Fox Books and out of the flames walks a figure…..and that figure resembles Jack Flack….but Joe Fox watches the figure morph into none other than TOM HANKS.

“How is that possible?” Joe Fox asks himself.

Father Fox answers, “Anything is possible in San Antonio .”

“But we’re in New York City , pa,” Joe says.

“Shit, boy, I think you’re right.”

Dabney Coleman quits and shit just disintegrates from there. The fucking end.

(Interviewer note: this is one of very few photos of Mr. Krall without his human mask on.)

Visit Krall's website.

But Krall's books.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

What 'They' Say About Heinous PT 2

(this post is a sequel...check the first here)

My horrorcore masterpeice Heinous has been out for right around a month now and it has been wrapping those souls brave enough to read it since in my sharp darkness. I can tell you all day long that Heinous is a read that really will scare, shock, and entertain you...however, you should probably hear it from others so I don't look as pompous about it as I really am. Below are some of my favorite quotes from a handful of new reviews, below them is the link to the full review. Check them all out...notice the pattern? REAL horror fans that like REAL horror all recommend Heinous...YOU will enjoy it...

"I have said it before in a prior review of Mr. Moon’s work-the man knows how to spin a tale. He is a story teller of the macabre and this story tears and claws at you, much as Heinous tears and claws at Gavin, shattering him both inside his head and throughout his body. I will warn you that Moon doesn’t soften the blow at any point, and kept me wondering what grand new vicious treat was waiting around the corner with every page I turned" Patrick D'Orazio- author of The Dark Trilogy

Read the entire review at Patrick's blog

"(Heinous) is interspersed with dream sequences so thick with gore and carnage they would make a Cenobite blush. The gore is really where this book shines. Moon has cooked up some deeply disturbing tableaus of otherworldly torture, each more creative than the next, depicted in lovingly brutal detail." Lorna D. Keach

Read the entire review at

"Jonathan Moon pulls no punches—if anything he sneaks a few below the belt—in a book packed from cover to cover with carnage, mayhem and a couple things that will make you pause to process what you just witnessed. HEINOUS is like a massive car wreck, making rubberneckers of us all." Stephen W. Roberts of The Dark Fiction Spotlight

read the entire review at

"Unlike anything since Clive Barker, have we experienced such impacting writing and a want to have the hell literally scared out of us." Sonar 4 Landing Dock Reviews

Read the entire review at the Sonar 4 Landing Dock

To wrap all this Heinous talk up I'm going to leave you with an entire review from Joshua Myers that I lifted from the amazon page...

I'd heard the hype. I'd read the blurbs. I didn't know if anything could possibly live up to the praise this book received. I was very, very wrong.

Reading HEINOUS is like mainlining a mixture of loss and hatred into your eyeball. Jonathan Moon has crafted a truly impressive book here. His surreal lyrical style drifts between the damned life of one Gavin Wagner and the obscene dreams that parallel the reality of the hell he inhabits. HEINOUS hits hard and does not stop. Mr. Moon pulls no punches. HEINOUS is mean and it's cold. It does not like you, and it does not intend to.

This book hurt in a way I haven't experienced in a good long time. It took me nearly twice as long to read HEINOUS as I'd expected due to frequently having to put the book down and clear my head or take a shower. It's uncomfortable, and there were times when I debated taking a break from HEINOUS to read something lighter, but Moon's writing is so clean, so vicious, that I had to keep going.

HEINOUS is by far the most impressive and effective horror novel I have read in years. It isn't one I'll forget for a long, long time. Mr. Moon, you've shaken me to my core, and I thank you for it.

So there you have it! I double dog dare you to walk in my darkness!
Order Heinous here now!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

FRIST LOOK-Cover for Wacktards of the Apocalpyse

(Give this bad boy a click to get a good look at it!)

COMING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON from The Library of Bizarro Horror!!!