Saturday, August 28, 2010
Mr. Moon Interviews David W. Barbee
Bizarro, for those of you that don't know, is a relatively new genre hitting the fiction world like a palm thrust to the throat. Sometimes intelligent, sometimes ridiculous,often violent and sexual, and always entertaining. I had the chance to send a handful of questions to a bright new talent in the Bizarro world; none other than David W. Barbee. I sent the questions to his secret hideout where he communicates with that fascist little bastard 898.What follows are his answers. I almost feel like I should hand out giant plastic sheets like Gallagher used to. Except it would shield you not from chunks of watermelon but the vomit, gore, and Oompa Loompa arterial spray. Enjoy!
Q. So your novel Carnageland was published by the rad Eraserhead Press as part of The New Bizarro Author Series. Can you tell us about the N.B.A.S. and some of your fellow N.B.A.S. authors?
A. The NBAS is a dastardly plot to incubate new bizarro drones for when Eraserhead Press takes over the world. As for the current members, I can only say very good things. Eric, Pat, and Kevin are some of the smartest, friendliest, and most creative folks I’ve ever met. I love those guys so much that I’m drawing pictures of Invader 898 killing each of them in gruesome fashion. They’re awesome. With any luck, we’ll all move up the bizarro ladder and another group of eager writers will form the next incarnation of the NBAS.
Q. What the hell made you want to become a writer?
A. I’ve always been creative. When I was a kid, I wanted to either write or draw comic books, but when I was fifteen, I decided once and for all that I wanted to be a novelist. So I started teaching myself to write, and I’ve been trying to grow and evolve my work ever since then. Thankfully, I fell in with Eraserhead Press, a bunch of weirdos I look up to who deemed me worthy enough to join their ranks. I’ve not only met some of my favorite authors, I got to hang out with them. We’re all pals now. Fifteen-year-old David would shit his pants if he saw me now.
Q. You draw crazy violent pictures and make wicked sick toys, any other secret talents?
A. I can play the harmonica with my anus
(Interviewer note: It's not secret if there's a YouTube video of it.)
Q. ALL TIME favorite bad guy from books or movies?
A. Cain from Robocop 2, a big robot with a drug-dealer’s brain. Robot AND drug-dealer? Even I find that despicable.
Q. What are you working on right now?
A. A lot of different stuff. Mainly promoting Carnageland, but I’m also illustrating a few comic strips that’ll be coming out in the fall. Jordan Krall is writing them and I’m doing the art. It’s going to be really weird and will explode many skulls.
Q. Who said, “Also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.” ?
A. Walter Sobchak, who is a great American by the way. He doesn’t fuckin’ roll on Shabbos and neither should anyone else.
( Interviewer note: High Five!)
Q. Why does David Barbee write Bizarro fiction and not vampire romance novels?
A. Because I hate money.
Q. If you could pick six horror movies for an all night horror movie marathon what would they be?
A. Braindead, The Fly, Re-Animator, American Werewolf in London, and the Thing.
( Interviewer note: I assume the sixth that he didn't want to share with you is Critters)
Q. How far would you have made it through Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory?
A. I sneak away from the crowd as they gawk at machine that makes chocolate hearts for Valentine’s Day that have actual heartbeats. I make my way to Wonka’s office, and I only have to slit three Oompa Loompa throats in the process. Inside Wonka’s office, I rob his safe, because he has half a fucking safe and that’s ridiculous.
Q. A mummy or The Creature from the Black Lagoon?
A. Creature from the Black Lagoon. Frankenstein and Dracula are classics, but where’s the love for the lizard/fish guy? Everybody writes these romantic vampire or werewolf books. Hell, even Frankenstein and the mummy probably have some erotica based on them. But nobody wants to fuck the lizard/fish guy? That’s not cool. Show the Creature some LOVE, ladies.
Q. Are you stepping in the ring for the Bizarro Showdown at Bizarrocon this year?
A. Yeah. I have no idea what I’m going to do or say. If people want to send me ideas for how to win the Showdown, give me a shout!
Q. I read on a bathroom wall that September 11, 2010 is intergalactic Carnageland Day, please for the love of Cthulhu tell me more!
A. The bathroom wall speaks true. September 11th is going to be an extravaganza of cosmic dimensions. On that day, we’re all going to attack Carnageland’s Amazon page, causing an awesomeness overload that may blow up Seattle. I want people to tag, review, and BUY (for yourself or a friend) my book. You can even call bookstores and tell THEM to buy it, then read it for free in the store. Same with libraries. In return, Inpire Inc has authorized me to provide the masses with exclusive artwork, customized action figures, and many other treasures. So if you help Carnageland, by all means tell me so, because I’m rewarding your service and there are only NINE action figures in this batch!
(Interviewer note: I HUGELY support this. I think all of you should join the party and buy Carnageland on September 11, 2010)
(Interviewer note: Dude,I will fist fight for one of those action figures!)
Q. Quick, name drop five great Bizarro talents!
A. CM3, Kevins Donihe & Shamel, Jordan Krall, and Cameron Pierce. Wish I could add more.
(Interviewer note: Between Barbee and I the word 'Krall' appears 30 times in this interview. That's more than 'the', 'and', and 'fuck'. And that's why we call him Boss Krall...okay 31.)
Q. After months of internet death threats the time has come for YOU (David Barbee) and Jordan ‘Boss’ Krall to settle your differences once and for all. The two of you meet at the official set of Bloodsport. You are both wearing monster truck driver coveralls with bright patches for your sponsors. Garrett Cook wraps all of your fists in double sided tape, gives you each a chug of whiskey, then smashes the bottle into a box full of shattered bottles. You and Krall stand trucker cap to trucker cap and roll your fists in the glass; trying to get as many large shards to stick to your knuckles as possible. Your soul patch twitches and growls. Krall’s beard changes color three times before settling on maroon. At the exact same instant you two are about to begin the fight of your life the far set wall collapses under the weight of a flood of zombified 80’s television stars! Do you team with your arch nemesis before Uncle Jesse can tear you to shreds? Do you cheap shot the shit out of him and run?
You have 1000 words to describe the carnage and the outcome!
Mr. Belvedere steps forward and slices through Krall’s flabby stomach, spilling ropes of bloody tentacles. The fat dead butler pushes Krall to the floor. Krall scrambles away only to slip on one of his own gut-tentacles. His glasses are broken, he’s puking green stuff, and Belvedere looms above him. Barbee’s fist suddenly smashes through Belvedere’s gooey face, splashing Krall with necrotic slime. Barbee pulls Krall up to his feet and quickly uses him as a human shield as Webster flies at them like a spider monkey. Webster chews on Krall’s face as Barbee turns to see the Seavers, the Keatons, and the whole cast of the Wonder Years ambling forward. Barbee rips off Krall’s left arm to defend against them. Krall and Barbee are the last two living people in the Kumate now. Webster has his hand down Kralls throat to the elbow, and Barbee bats the snarky little bastard away. Webster goes flying, ricocheting off of the Fat Man and knocking Jake’s head off. The Seavers and the Keatons are still coming. Barbee waves Krall’s arm over his head several times, then cracks it like a whip. He starts beheading corpses while Krall runs around screaming, bright pink slime splashing out of the hole where his arm used to be. Barbee runs through the horde, slaying zombies left and right and accidentally elbowing Krall in the back of the head. A roaring groan fills the arena and the zombies part to reveal the king of them all: Cosby. His sweater is gray, orange, purple, yellow, and red. Cosby’s dead throat screams into the sky and he charges forward. Barbee peels Krall off the floor and quickly lights his hair on fire. Barbee waves fire at the zombies, holding Krall’s stiff skeleton high like a torch. But Cosby isn’t afraid. He tackles Barbee to the floor, but Barbee manages to hold on to his weapon. He uses Krall to club Cosby across the head. Krall’s flaming hair finally snuffs out. He flails against Cosby’s skull until the king of 80’s zombies’ brain liquefies and leaks out of his skull. Without Cosby, the other zombies collapse to the floor, harmless and truly dead. Barbee drops Krall, now a smoking sack of bones. Krall staggers to his feet as Barbee bends down and grabs a handful of MacGuyver’s face. Turning, Barbee is met with a lead pipe through the eye socket. Krall stands victorious, tears of vomit streaming from his melted eyes.
GREAT ANSWER! Killer battle!
Ladies and Gentlemen, David W, Barbee!
You can find David at...
And his blog (which features chapters of Snufftunes!)- http://davidwbarbee.wordpress.com/
OR skip all that and go straight to amazon.com and make him rich
NEXT UP....GARRETT COOK!!!!!