I'm sitting in a small dark room with stale smoke swirling around me. I've turned up the radio and let the animals out of their cages. I've smashed all the light bulbs and stepped on the broken glass. No, it's not my birthday. I'm trying to get in the right state of mind to talk with William Pauley III. Mr. Pauley is a hard working bizarro author/editor that writes quick moving bizarro fiction that jumps genres faster than Jamey Jasta from Hatebreed can do a pop star kick. Seriously friends, William Pauley III will be at the forefront of bizarro authors leaving their stain on the literary world and you should get hip to him now. Take for example this interview...it's chock full of laughs, pop culture nightmares, and Pauley's undeniable attitude. Enjoy!
Q. First of all, can I call you Pauley 3?
A. Yes, but only if you call me William first.
(Interviewer Note: Too fancy and rich for a damned nickname, huh?)
Q. Okay now that that’s out of the way, what are the earliest influences on your writing? Please include any social factors for wanting to write in addition to other authors and their work. What made you want to write?
A. I’ve always loved to read. I remember when I was a child my parents would often take me to the library. I was always drawn towards science fiction and mysteries mainly. Stuff like Encyclopedia Brown and those fun little ‘choose-your-own-adventure’ books. I also loved Goosebumps, which I think may be why I love B-movies so much now, especially horror and sci-fi B-movies. I was also very, very influenced by 90’s Nickelodeon shows – pretty much all of them. Nickelodeon was so weird and funny back then. I would be surprised to find a bizarro author who didn’t grow up watching Nickelodeon. Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstein, and Roald Dahl also became major influences for me. When I got a little older, around middle school age, I started reading more ‘grown up’ authors such as Ray Bradbury, George Orwell and H.G. Wells. While I always enjoyed horror films, I never really started reading horror until years later.
My first memory of actually writing was when I was about eight years old. My grandma gave me a blank notebook. I remember thinking that I wanted to write until every single page was filled up. I didn’t end up writing that much, but what I did write was a short story about the military finding an alien body and doing an autopsy on it. During the autopsy, the alien wakes up and kills everybody. A couple of years later, the movie INDEPENDENCE DAY came out and I was so pissed. I was convinced that they had stolen my story. But really, the story isn’t that original anyway. Looking back now, I am pretty sure that I had even stolen the idea from a documentary I had watched anyway. But yeah, I was a pissed little ten year old for a while, haha.
Q. I like my fiction weird and dark, and sometimes I like it short…so it seems this The New Flesh is made just for me. Just in case it isn’t could you tell us about it?
A. Actually, it was made just for you! The New Flesh is a blogzine that I started about a year and a half ago that specialized in publishing weird stories. When I first got brave enough to send my stories into magazines, I found that a lot of my stories were being rejected because of how weird they were. Since there weren’t really any places to publish weird flash fiction, I had to submit to the closest thing – horror flash websites and sci-fi websites. Then after the tenth or eleventh “this is too weird” letter, and knowing that I had many writer friends with this same problem, I decided to start my own website. We’ve got some killer tales, too! You should definitely check us out if weird is your thing.
Q. I enjoyed the hell out of Doom Magnetic! The high action bizarro mix of Sci-Fi Western and Violent Crime Horror makes for one of my favorite novellas of the year. And now I hear there’s a frak load more of Doom Magnetic to still be unleashed. Fill me in.
A. Thank you very much! I’m glad you enjoyed it. And yes, you’ve heard right. Doom Magnetic! and its two sequels, Doom Magnetic!! and Doom Magnetic!!!, will be released in a single volume tentatively titled, THE COMPLETE DOOM MAGNETIC! through LegumeMan books. LegumeMan had read the first book and liked it so much that they slapped me with a check for $5,000,000 [notice I said ‘slapped me with’ not ‘paid me’] to publish it and its sequels. I can’t really give away any of the plot details just yet, but you can expect more fast-paced, facked-out mayhem with your cowboy pal, Maundin, and the ever evil Qoser, the Japanese assassin with a cue-ball eye. It is going to kick your ass.
(Interviewer note: Keep your eyes turned towards Australia for this KILLER collection of awesome bizarro story!!!!)
Q. What else are you working on?
A. Right now I am crazy busy writing the Doom Magnetic! sequels, but I also have another book in the works called Demolition Ya-Ya. It’s a novel about a man who wakes up in the middle of the desert to find that he is melting. He has no memory of who he is or why he is melting, but he soon finds himself caught in a dangerous game. It is a very dark sci-fi/bizarro/horror tale that will be published by The Library of Bizarro Horror Press alongside a novel by the great Jordan Krall. I’m very excited about working with both The Library of Bizarro Horror and Jordan Krall.
I also have a book coming out VERY soon from Grindhouse Press called The Brothers Crunk – An 8-Bit Fack-It-All Adventure in 2D. If you grew up in the eighties playing Atari, SEGA, or the almighty NES, then you won’t want to miss this weird little book where the characters live in a world that uses classic video game accessories as real weapons. Look for it to hit in the next month or so.
(Interviewer Note: I can honestly say, as The Library of Bizarro Horror, that we are honored to work with both William Pauley III and Jordan Krall...this will rip faces off!)
Q. Who is your all-time favorite bad guy from movies or literature?
A. Oh man, this is a toughie. I tend to like villains much more than heroes, so I have a pretty long list of ultimate badasses. I really like The Joker. I really, really enjoyed Gary Oldman’s character in Leon, The Professional – man, he was insane! I also really like Mr. Gone from the comic book series The Maxx. He had his head cut off twice and the man still fucking owned! But my all-time favorite? Probably Darryl Revok from the movie Scanners. If anyone else can think of a more brilliant badass than Michael Ironside, then I’d love to hear it.
Q. Why does William Pauley III write bizarro fiction instead of civil war romance novels?
A. Start up The Library of Civil War Romance Press and I will get to writing.
(Interviewer Note: Maybe we'd finally get rich!)
Q. If you could pick 6 horror movies for an all night movie marathon which would they be?
A. Only 6?! Okay… off the top of my head: Tokyo Gore Police, The Brood, The Thing, Dust Devil, Microwave Massacre, and Let Me In (no, not LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. Yes, I’ve seen both versions and prefer the remake).
Q. Speaking of that what is your favorite Disney movie?
A. Tron.
(Interviewer Note: Niiiiice!)
Q. While we are on a roll how far would you make it through Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory?
A. To the very end. And when Mr. Wonka gave me the factory, I’d wait until the old fart kicked the bucket, sell it and make millions.
Q. Frankenstein or the Wolfman?
A. Frankenstein. I can’t stand werewolves. Boooorrrriiiinnnggg…
Q. Water, Whiskey, or coffee?
A. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.
Q. If you could kick one super hero in the nards with no repercussions who would it be?
A. Superman, even though it would probably break my foot rather than hurt him. Fancy alien asshole.
Q. Who said, “That rug really tied the room together…did it not?”?
A. THE DUDE.
(Interviewer Note: I would have also accepted Walter Sobchek, I had to watch The Big Lebowski this morning to make sure The Dude said it too. Damn, it there goes my streak.)
Q. Any advise to aspiring writer types?
A. Don’t take advice.
Q. Quick, first name your all time favorite piece of bizarre fiction and then name drop five bizarre talents!
A. My all-time favorite piece of bizarre fiction is Mark Z. Danielewski’s HOUSE OF LEAVES. Check it out if you get the chance. Oh and I’m also nearly finished reading Jordan Krall’s BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE APOCALYPSE DONKEYS which may very well end up being my favorite bizarro book ever. It’s damn good and should be available soon. Five bizarre talents? 1) Jordan Krall, 2) Matthew Revert, 3) Garrett Cook, 4) Steve Lowe, 5) Chris Bowsman (look for his excellent debut early next year)
DEATHMATCH Question
Q. Your character Qoser from Doom Magnetic, he of the cueball eye and the ability to open the Doom Magnetic, is searching the galaxy for the man known as Maudin accompanied by a small army of the ferocious little bastards known as Mopes. Qoser follows Maudin’s scent to a Brokencyde show. Qoser and his mopes end up in the screamocrunksters dressing room. Three burley body guards surround the brightly attired rocker/clubers. Undaunted by the men Qoser does what he does and asks if they know where Maudin is. The band responds by dousing Qoser with champagne. His cueball eye ball twitches and chaos erupts. Describe the carnage and the outcome in 1,500 words
A. The Brokencyde boys giggle into their armpits as Qoser wrings out his champagne soaked kimono. He is holding the ends of thirty leather leashes in his fist, of which thirty blood-thirsty mopes are attached to, so he has to squeeze the liquid out of his dress with only one hand. The mopes tug anxiously at their leashes, their blood-stained teeth hang like daggers on the outside of their mouths.
“I’m going to ask one last time, and I suggest you answer me straight,” Qoser says, shaking the liquid from his hand. “Where. Is. Maundin?”
The boys try their best to keep from bursting into laughter, their faces turning cherry-red from not breathing. All of them that is except for Mikl, who seems lost in thought.
“You…” Qoser says, pointing at Mikl. “You know where he is, don’t you?”
Mikl looks up at Qoser and screws up his face, “What’d you say his name was again, yo?”
“Maundin.” Qoser repeats, stepping a foot closer. The mopes are now only inches away from Brokencyde. They dart their tongues out like frogs, tasting them. Saliva gathers in puddles on the floor.
Mikl closes his eyes and begins to bob his head, mumbling nonsense under his breath. “Yo, yo… check it… yo… I got a FREAKDIDDY all up in my biznazz,” Mikl sings, his voice suddenly and oddly electronic. “Askin’ for a mothafucka, ain’t nobody seen him…”
Se7en stands up and combs his frizzy dyed hair down into his face with his fingers. He begins to scream along with Mikl’s rap. “FREAKDDIDDDDDDDDYYYYY!!!!!! MOTHAFUCKAAAA!!!!!”
“Oh shit!” Mikl looks back at Se7en and playfully punches his shoulder. “We’z just wrote another muthafuckin’ song, yo! This one’s GOT to be the one that gets us dat mothafuckin’ Grammy.”
“NO DOUBT!” Se7en screams.
Qoser checks the word count. Shit, only 300. I must somehow make this last for another 1,200 words! He drops the leather leashes from his hand. The mopes rip every last inch of meat from their bones, even licking up the blood on the floor afterwards. Qoser raises his hand high in the air. The bones suddenly begin to move and levitate off the floor. Qoser whips his hand around, causing the bones to swirl together and tighten into a large ball of gore (hey, that rhymes!).
Thirty diehard Brokencyde fans stand in front of the stage, anxiously awaiting the most crunktastic band in history to come out and scream nonsense into their faces for the next two hours. The lights go out. The thirty drunk-out-of-their-fucking-skulls fans all start screaming and falling over one another. The curtains pull back, revealing a faint silhouette of something hanging over the stage. The spotlights come on and make their way over to the object – the giant ball of bloody Brokencyde bones.
The crowd is silent for nearly thirty seconds as they all stand and stare at the mess of bone. Finally, someone in the crowd screams, “GET CRUNK, MOTHAFUCKA!” And the others scream and start dancing, even though there is no music. A couple of the girls even sneak on stage and drink Brokencyde blood out of the other’s navel – the most crunkaliscious blood eva!
Qoser walks out onto the stage and grabs the microphone. “I just wanted to apologize for only doing about half of the required word count, but you can’t possibly understand how annoying these kids were. I mean, sure… I would have loved to have tortured them a bit, but that song… that fucking song put me over the top,” Qoser takes a deep breath. “So long for now… oh, and don’t forget to tip your bartender. Good night!”
A few people clap as he exits the stage, but no one listened to a single word. A few hours later, the place begins to empty out. Not a soul complained about the band not showing up for the show. Surprisingly, no one seemed to notice.
(Interviewer note: Okay, this is a great DEATCHMATCH, however, I just had to point out if Pauley would have described every character as 'drunk-out-of-their-fucking-skulls' he would have reached the word count. Don't give up kids, and use long descriptive words in catchy phrases when you need to thicken things up.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, William Pauley the III!!!!
Look, the front side of his head!
You can find Pauley all over the internet but I recommend looking for him at his
blogGrindhouse Press whom will be publishing The Brothers Crunk.
Stop by and read all the strangeness you can handle or you can sub your crazy weird stories to him at
The New Flesh Next up...Eric S. Brown!!!!
